Speaking a Dead Language.

With only the light glowing onto two hands, her gaze goes to them. Starting from the tips of broken, bitten, and split nails to the bones bulging out of every corner... they look tired. Lacking fullness, craving moisture... just shy of 17 years and they look like they have been around for 70. A sigh escapes as this is how they feel as well. Battered, cracked, worn... wanting more than the tedious grueling work they have been slaved to over the years. How useless they are, the thought crosses her mind. The faint light exposes every line and rivet: invisible shame and bitterness hides in their crevices. No matter what outer treatments are beat into her hands, nothing revives them. It's no use. What a hypocrite... well aware that no matter what surface melodies are sung into two overly exhausted appendages, nothing will reach what needs to be nurtured. Silently the knowledge of tending to them herself appears, forcing away the Wisdom of what truly needs to be done. Looming thoughts flood in as she uses one to help the other, using anything and everything to mend and tend the outside; digging and digging into them until they give an ounce of release. It satisfies them sufficiently enough for a length of time until they start to show ware and tear again. Beat and bend them til they look right, these are haunting. A silent scream breaks through a locked chamber however it doesn't change a thing, the position of them covering the tunnel won't budge. This is the how it's suppose to be. My own strength is my own enemy, sharpening it's sword against the ridges of my hidden soul, forever binding itself to the overflowing pains of tattered old core.

{follow-up}

What a beautiful day today is. This morning did not start off great, doesn't look like it will end great. But God is good and He provides. I received closure today, maybe not from the person it needed to be from but still, there was peace surrounding it and God is slowly healing my heart. If only I could figure out the rest of my life now...

{insert thought-provoking title here}

{via}

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." {Romans 8:26-28, The Message}

Okay folks, honesty time. If there is anything that I have been lately, it has been burnt. out. I have felt like my fire has been snuffed out and that there is nothing left that is inspirational or relevant to anything inside of me. If you follow my blog and have noticed that I took a hiatus from it, now you know why. Trust me, I wanted to do a witty "Awkward and Awesome" Thursday and a "Monday Questionnaire", and I actually started two other blog posts but never finished them. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Nothing was burning inside of me. I started them but couldn't even get a whole paragraph together. I have been: Unmotivated. Exhausted. Impatient. Fed up. Frustrated. Depressed. Unsatisfied. The list goes on. I have been allowing Satan to fester in my thoughts, that is very apparent...so now I am confessing that to you all {but most importantly to God}. No more, no more, no more. 

Yesterday, at my college church group, my pastor, Tom, talked about sin. It was kind of confusing at first, he was talking about how we have inherited sin and willful sin. What really hit me hard though was the verse above, but it was in the NLT version at the time. I thought that The Message version spoke more clearly as to how much God is all knowing and all loving. It stopped me right in my tracks and made me tear up a bit. I fought my tears though because I didn't want to start crying {even though crying in church is perfectly fine}. It made me realize, why am I fighting God and His love for me?? Why do I keep walking around thinking that no one understands my heart or my desires when He knows them better than I ever could! Tom talked about how God is our Father, Abba {which means Father}, and how when we feel like we can't go anywhere else, that He wants us to curl up on His lap and let Him hold us. I have always known this and have heard it all before but that night... in that moment... it hit me like a warm breeze on a frigid day. God knew I needed to be reassured by Him that He is truly all I will ever need. That He knows me because He created me in every sense. I. am. Abba's. No one can take that away from me, ever. In that moment, my heart flooded with His love. I felt warm and I just wanted to weep from gratefulness.


If you are feeling hopeless, worthless, misunderstood, burdened, or just need some comfort, consider crawling up on Abba's lap today, in His loving arms...and rest fully in Him.


{photo credit: Neil Abrew, model: Me}

The Heart is Hard to Find.

{Love. Grace. Mercy. Acceptance. Empathy.}

These are four things in every human that are desired; whether or not they are admitted, it is what we crave. Everyone wants to know that they are wanted, that someone else has belief in them. 

The desire for Love is vast and deep. It is something that we crave from the moment we are born. It was something God embedded in us so that we could turn to love Him. However, as intensely beautiful it might be... it rears a rather crushing and brutal side to it: when it is not reciprocated. This creates such a piercing pain in the heart... however it's not a physical pain. This pain, the one that occurs when love rears it's ugly head, feels like when you are on the verge of tears and then they pour out as you start to cry uncontrollably. Where you start hyperventilating, and your heart is in so much pain that your stomach hurts. That is what it feels like, but all of it is collectively festering in your heart, taking it hostage at gun point. I am very familier with this type of pain. It is easy to welcome and easy to let it stay. If it happens enough times, you get comfortable feeling this way. Then it becomes uncomfortable when you are happy in life, when your heart is joyful. 

Grace. Oh grace. The sister to Mercy. Something that I will never be able to grasp my little fingers around. I am starting to understand it, slowly but surely. However, it is not something that I think I will ever be able to fully comprehend. I honestly can't even say that I know how to describe it. It is not something we were born with to give. Not an ability that we as mere humans find constant or normal. When I think of grace, I think of it as giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Much like mercy, grace is setting aside all that hinders something and going forth to restore it. At least, that is what I think of when I see the word grace or think about giving others grace. I believe that that is what Humanistic Grace is. Divine Grace is something more vast than that though. Divine grace is this incredible concept that only our Heavenly Father is capable of understanding and giving. Divine grace is the gift of salvation, of rescue, from everything that darkens us (sin). It is such a thing that I can't even describe it more than that. Grace is something that every single person desperately needs. No one deserves it, but it needs to be freely given.

Mercy is the brother to grace. This is for sure something that wasn't ever a desire to give when we were created. Mercy is defined as the compassionate behavior from those who have been wronged by another.    Mercy is probably one of the most difficult things to do in human nature, simply because it is foreign to us. When someone wrongs you, it is human nature to get revenge, get even, or have justice. However, it not human to take that person who has wronged you, forgive them, give them grace, and invite them back into your life to serve them. That is just not something you do. When the act of mercy is pursued, observers will throw caution signs in your face, tell you that you're crazy, try to force you to not go through with it... that is the natural response to this action. Mercy is incredibly powerful. We are so undeserving of God's mercy but He gives it relentlessly because of grace and because of His undying love for us. For the things that I do in my life, the mistakes I make, the stupid things I do... God has every right to seek out justice with me, but He doesn't (however, this doesn't mean that I don't have consequences for my actions). Instead He takes me into His outstretched arms and welcomes me into their warm embrace. 

Acceptance peels off the unnecessary layers. Everyone wants to be accepted, even the people who act too hard ass to admit it. It is entirely exhausting to try to keep up an outer appearance that just. isn't. you (it's really easy to see past that as well.). Plus, how would you ever know if someone really wanted you, appreciated you, and loved you for well... YOU. Accepting someone for who they are goes past just the "I'll put up with you and hang out with you" persona that it so often is portrayed as. Truly accepting someone for who they are is not trying to change the things that make them, them. Hobbies, personality, passions, etc. Because, as I have learned (the hard way) you cannot make someone change anything. A person will not change unless they  want to change. If you claim that you truly care about a person, you will try your hardest to love every part of them. It doesn't mean that you don't give them tough love when they make a poor decision or an issue needs to be brought to the surface; what it means is that no matter what happens, you will love them for them, for how they were created. We weren't put here to judge. I was never put here to judge someone else. Only to serve God, to serve others, pursue fellowship (Iron sharpens Iron), and to love unconditionally like Jesus. Jesus hung out with the "lowest of the low", prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers, He never once thought that they weren't worthy of being around. If I could do one thing in my life, it's to inspire people to be themselves. Too many times to count, I have experienced someone telling me that I wasn't "good enough" or that something was wrong with me (that I was too sensitive, too compassionate, too emotional, etc)... For once, I just wish someone could tell me that they loved me for me and wouldn't change me for anything. Of course, I would want them to call me out on my crap and help me when I make mistakes, but ultimately, for the things I cannot change... just to tell me that I am loved. That is my passion for others. 

Last but definitely not least, Empathy. Probably one of the most humbling and heart wrenching things one person could do for another. Empathy is when you honestly set aside your pride, humble yourself, and look in a situation through another's eyes despite how you may feel about it all. This is probably one of the most difficult acts a human can do, because we are all selfish and our pride is hardened in our hearts in semi-permanent ink. We want to feel like our feelings are valid, which they are. Empathy, for me, comes at the most un-wanted times. Like when someone deeply hurts me: my pride tells me in a booming voice that I am right, they are wrong, and it is all their fault. My pride plays into my hatred of self reflection a lot as well, and feeds it often so I tend to try to avoid looking at myself. However, I can't help, when I get face to face with that person, to see the pain in their eyes and all of a sudden, my heart aches with them. I may not be able to understand their exact situation, because I am not them, but at least I feel a portion of it. Something happened recently to a couple friends I really care about... and when I talked to one of them, I couldn't help but walk away feeling their heartache. This happens to me often... You see I have this passion for people and I believe that everyone has something to offer, I want them to feel valued, like they have a purpose (which they do). But this passion gets me in trouble all too often. I then end up walking away, secluding myself for a while, feeling alone, and wanting to fix that person because I feel a portion of their pain. I guess people could look at me and tell me that I am stupid for doing that, maybe I am, but I honestly cannot help it. I love  people. God has blessed me with this passion and gift of empathy, compassion, and love... however... with blessings, come consequences. 

Which brings me to my next topic... I have come to realize that no one will ever love me like this, like I want to love other people. God is the only One that can fulfill me. Way easier said than done, let me tell you. God is the only one that can truly heal and mend others. I cannot. I am not God, I am not a miracle worker. I am just a messenger. Someone sent here to love and serve. Most battles are not my own to fight, hearts are not mine to mend...despite the pain I try to take from them and carry with me... Maybe I was meant to be alone...? Maybe I was designed this way to have it just be me and God for the rest of my life. I feel like I was created to be a partner to someone as well... but as I grow up and go through certain experiences, I am realizing that others don't need me and half the time they won't want me. The only One who will want me is God. He doesn't need me, I mean He doesn't need  anyone... but He wants us... He wants me... when will I fully grasp that though? When will I stop feeling so terrible inside?

Love. Grace. Mercy. Acceptance. Empathy. 

The things that I strive for... the things that make me, me. The things we all desire, secretly or openly. The very things that make me long  for my Father... the very things that I may never receive from another human being...which is what I will have to come to terms with.

Awkward Smells and Awesome Ladies Thursday!

Yes, people! It is that time of the week again! It is Awkward and Awesome Thursday! Woot! I will share with you some of my most awkward and amazingly awesome moments from the week. If you do one of these, be sure to let me know!

Alrighty! 一、二、三, GO!

(that is Japanese for one, two, three... I know... uber nerd over here.)

Awkward:

- Changing in my mom's office for her workout class... It's nice that I don't have to use the locker room but I get afraid that someone will peak through the window and catch me at not my finest moment...

- Reading an email from my sister at work and then answering the phone like this: "Team Oregon, this is Aimee, how may I love you?" ...... cue the crickets..... At least the guy didn't hear me! That would have been terrible... my co-worker just turned around and proceeded to ask me what kind of service I was offering our students... yeah....

-My classroom smelling normal and then someone walking in, sitting down and making it smell like rotten eggs.... Yeah... I am pretty sure they brought their "own wind" in with them...

- Basically circling the parking lot with ten other cars, acting like your playing musical chairs... but with parking spots... it's vicious people, vicious. It's a battle of the fastest and closest car to get a spot. OSU parking sucks hard core.

-Messing up the moves in my mom's Cario Kickboxing II class... I hope people don't think that I am supposed to be as coordinated as my mom in this class... I may be able to crump but doing things in order is NOT my speciality people. I'm not that athletic either...

-Going to Starbucks today to see if that handsome barista from last week is there- I mean, to meet Hannah for coffee and chat ^_^. He wasn't there. Just two girls. Did he EVER exist!? Just my luck...

Awesome:

-  Playing video games with a couple guy friends :) I think that's like the perfect night for me. I should have worn my Mario shirt though to bring me luck... yeah I got beat badly.

- Shopping date with Hannah and then major girls night with her and Brittany, full of wine, fudge brownies, and masks :)

-Thinking about my possible living situation as of this summer <3

- Stepping out of my comfort zone and talking to women I don't know and offering them a free makeover/facial. They more than happily accepted! So AWESOME!!!!

- Possibly having two more fine ladies join my Mary Kay team :D Red Jacket here I come!!! These girls are ah-mazing!

-Not being broke. AMEN TO THAT.

- Having a heater in my room while sleeping. Waking up to the cold is NOT fun people. It just makes you want to stay in bed (which I wish I could do every morning...)

-New music. Mmmm ^_^

-Being inspired to get my body in gear for spring ;)
-Feeling immense joy for no particular reason except that God filling me. :) Reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and The Joyful Christian devotional by C.S Lewis is extremely helpful.

Full weekend ahead (like usual haha)! Tomorrow is a couple hours of work, then errands and cleaning the house, then BEACH TIME for Pukey's 21st. Saturday is jam packed full of my sister's baby shower, and Sunday is church, homework, The Body, maybe accapella group? 

Lilies.

1.) Mood:
Eh, fine enough. A little motivated. Really full (from my Hasty Freeze, YUM!). Resisting sleep.

2.) What is your favorite flower?
Lilies :) Any kind. And Iris's (I know that grammer isn't exactly correct but oh well). They are both beautiful :D. Getting flowers for me is rare but when I get them, oh it just makes me uber happy! <3

3.) What sound is the alarm you wake up to in the morning?
BEEEEEEEEEPING of my alarm and then my sister calling me to tell my sad self to get out of bed and go to work.

4.) Current nail polish:
Hmmmm.... I have no clue. It's this cute whiteish pinkish color.

5.) Would you rather have a huge closet or a spacious bathroom (implying that the other would be tiny)?
Closet. Hands down. Take my friend Hannah's closet for example.... LOVE IT. If I could hug it, I would. Maybe I would be more organized if I had a big closet?

6.) If you could relive one year of your life, which would it be?
I wouldn't want to relive any years. They were all full of ups and downs that I would rather not repeat.

7.) Current outfit:
Fuzzy star socks. My Azalea House sweats from last year. my Azalea house "Every Gnome-y needs a home-y" shirt. Can you tell that I lived at Azalea house? (hahaha)

8.) What was your favorite Halloween costume as a kid?
My Sailor Mercury costume. Hands down. You can laugh all you want but her name was Amy too (despite she had the "uncool" spelling) and her birthday in Sailor Moon was one day before mine. I felt connected to her. Plus I always dreamed of being able to transform into a Sailor Scout ^_^. Don't judge people. -_- ....


9.) Have you ever been able to talk your way out of a speeding ticket?
Never been pulled over (knock on wood), surprisingly. But I have my WHOLE story/tears planned out for IF it happens.


10.) Weekly goals:
Schedule Mary Kay Skin Care Classes and Makeovers for next week, do my hw, get things for my sister's baby shower, breathe.

Still Standing.

"I am changing; less and less asleep, made of different stuff than when I began. And I have sensed it all along... When the world has fallen out from under me, I'll be found in You...still standing. Every fear and accusation under my feet, when time and space are through...I'll be found in You."

I find that it is often difficult to stand firm in your faith and in God... especially when you are facing giants and facing man. Man is something that God tells us to not be afraid of, He reassures Jeremiah TWICE in one chapter that He is there with Him: "Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD...They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD." (Jeremiah 1:8, 19). If we are God's children, His beloved  creation, then why do we fear what people think of us or why do we fear what others may do to us?  

For me... I have discovered that I am terribly insecure and terrified of rejection/judgment from others. Too often I feel like I come across misunderstood or that I can't convey exactly what I desire to say. If you would like to award me the "Always Having Foot-in-Mouth" award, then you would be correct on that. All too often, because of this, when I get that tugging from God to do or say something, I shy away from it. I hate confronting people about things... all I want to do is do it in love and just have a simple conversation to help them think about their motives/decisions... however, I feel like all too often I get slapped in the face (metaphorically speaking) for it. Later on (maybe months down the road) they will come back to me and tell me that I was right and they didn't want to admit it or that I really made them think, but I despise the fact that I end up losing that friendship for a while... It really hurts. Maybe it's just God's way of "toughening me up"... or trying to strengthen my trust in Him. Who knows. 

I feel like I am finally understanding why I go through the things I go through, why God is molding my heart the way He is, why I was made the way I am. The hardest part of that discovery is accepting it and still standing firm in my faith because let me tell you that it is much much easier to live by the world's standards and to live of it. Sometimes, I just wish I was "normal"...whatever "normal" is. But then I wonder, why would I WANT to be that? If I was just like "everyone else" how would I make a difference? How would I know who my true friends are? How would I strive and fight to accumulate joy in my life? Why would I even desire  to have a relationship with God then? The fact of the matter is that I wouldn't. If I was living of the world, then there would be no point in anything I said or did. Jesus wasn't a very well liked guy, He wasn't popular, He was offensive. Jesus had the 12 disciples and even all of them in the end weren't there for Him. He had to stand firm in His Father God. 

I wasn't created to "get along" with everyone, but I was created to love them. I wasn't created to do what everyone else does, but I was created to make a difference. If the words that God speaks through me make even one person start to think, then I did what I was asked. Because it is not up to me to change the minds and hearts of others, that is their own responsibility to open up and to allow God to pierce their hearts with His love, grace, mercy, authority, and understanding. 

No matter what happens in my life, what I say or do... I am determined to have God in me and around me, making a difference. For I wasn't put on this Earth for my own benefit. No, I have a greater calling than the selfish needs that I so often find myself wanting. 

I guess if I could get one thing across here, it is to not be afraid of growth and what is in store for yourself. Get offensive in the right ways, do not fear others for what can they do to you? Nothing. Let them say what they will, do what they will, they don't answer to me anyways... they answer to Him. I would rather be still standing at the end having my Lord God telling me "Well done my good and faithful servant..." rather than looking at what impact my life could have had. You only have one life and it's short. Don't waste it. Be found in Him, not of the world. 

Honestly, after writing all of this... I have never felt more freedom and fullness from God. All the glory goes to Him. Praise the Lord. 

Awkward and Awesome Thursday

Well "hello" to all and welcome to...

AWKWARD AND AWESOME THURSDAY!

I know, I know... SO many other blogs do this but I have a vast amount of awkward moments in my life that are just too funny not to share. Anywho! For those of you who don't know what Awkward and Awesome Thursday is, it's where you write down all the awkward things that has happened to you this week and all the awesome things. It helps you get through the week and helps make those truly awkward moments, less un-bearable. 

Let's begin:

Awkward:

*Driving ssssuuuuppppeeerrr slow behind someone walking to their car at my school's parking lot to get a spot if they leave. I swear... people might think I'm a creeper but HEY, you try to find parking at my University then we will talk. You do what you have to! ....Even if you look like you're stalking them...

*Running up the stairs in Bexell only to trip and have your Chai go everywhere but leave the mess there since you are super late to class. I felt bad okay? Thank goodness the random guy in the hall didn't see me, that would have been MORE awkward. 

*Being over ten minutes late to my Aids and STIs class only to find the door locked. Then searching like a little freshman looking for a way to get in, finding a different door unlocked, waltz in only to find that that door is the front of the classroom where everyone is staring at me and there in no open seat. Awesomely awkward people.

*Trying to explain to my G.A when she is taking role that even though there are two "Amy"s in the class (even though the other one is REALLY not named Amy because she had an Asian name and preferred to be called Amy...-_-) and saying that my name is probably spelled different. My G.A just looks at me, blinks, gives me a "why are you telling me this" look, and states that she will spell my name every time she calls role now. Great...

*Wearing leggings to my Mom's Cardio Kickboxing II class and finding in the huge room mirror that my calfs are disproportionate to my thighs... I think I looked like a flailing chicken or something.

Awesome:
*It was pay day today. Cue the joyful chorus! And financial aid was distributed!! WOOT!!! I actually have more than a dollar to my name now! :D And I can afford gas!!!

*That the sun was actually shining for more than an hour today and it was WARM!! :D {us Oregonians get uber excited about this}

*Getting to wear my aviators for the first time in a while.

*Not getting fined for parking in Staff/Faculty parking today and then later finding the ONLY parking spot in the student section close to my classroom. :) That was ALL God <3

*Taking my doggies on a walk today {they don't get out often, it was new for them} and them not running off when I took their leashes off to play fetch. 

*Milly carrying her tennis ball in her little mouth ALL the way home. It was so cute! And incredibly awesome since that thing was dirty and slobbery and I didn't want to carry it. 

*Becoming obsessed with the new Chris Brown song "Look at Me Now" and dancing to it. I may not like C.B as a person but I love the beat to this song. 

*Dancing with my sister to said ^^ song. It was incredibly funny, awkward, and awesome. She was impressed with my crumping skills. LEGIT.

*Telling my sister to sell her textbooks online and not through the bookstore. She didn't think it would work but after posting 23 books, 15 books later she is making over $400. You're welcome sister. You are welcome.
*Going to Starbucks and being greeted by a very easy on the eyes barista of a man :) He makes a good green tea frapp. Yum. Brittany, Hannah, and I will be going there more often. Oh yes. :D

*Being joyful today :) <3

If you do Awkward and Awesome Thursday, let me know! I would love to read them :)

Enjoy the few moments of sunshine we have left!

Blessed.

"well it's something I have always admired about you

because I often can't open up like you can

but I can so often relate to what you have to say

which makes me think other people can too

haha I have learned a lot from you over the years

thanks

I think there would be less misunderstanding in the world if more people were as open as you are

so there you have it

that is my judgment of you"

It's those special- one of a kind - friends (like the one above), that keep you hanging on and make more than a glimmer of hope in a belief that you were created with intent. Thank you CAB. I have always taken you and your friendship for granted. I think I need to look more than twice at it more often. It's friendships and people like that, that I will always keep near and dear to my heart.

I decided that I will start doing Monday Questionnaire things. FUN. Not that people really want to know this stuff, but HEY it entertains me haha. Feel free to take these and do your own Monday Questionnaires!

1.) Mood:
Wasn't that great. Now it's just alright. Excited for an upcoming beach trip with some awesome ladies though!

2.) When was the last time you bought an actual CD (not downloaded off of iTunes, but a physical disc)?
Years ago. Can't remember.

3.) What sounds do you hear right at this very moment?
My laptop humming away.

4.) Current nail polish:
Mary Kay Pink Sand. It's new!! :D

5.) Do you sleep with socks on?
Not usually, but I do if my feet are uber cold.

6.) I never go a day without ___________.
Singing.

7.) Current outfit:
Sweat pants from high school and a Mario Mushroom shirt.

8.) What is your all time favorite lip gloss?
Starry by Mary Kay.

9.)Where do you keep your cell phone at night?
On my window sill. 

10.) Weekly goals:
To pay attention in class. Go do something with friends. Clean my room. Organize my life. 

Who says?

Even though I am not the biggest fan of Selena Gomez, I love the message of this song. 

I need to put this on repeat in the morning... Convince myself of these lyrics.

Learning this on my guitar currently.

<3

Here's To The Heart Broken.

"Cry out to God to soften your heart, for you have been deadened in your heart, and any dullness toward sin also creates dullness toward joy. It is when we are able to face the pain of our sin that we can receive the joy of God's healing. This renews a heart to return to God."

If there is one thing my heart has been, it's stagnent. I haven't felt full of love, joy or life recently... There are few days where I can wake up and not be dreading what is to come in the day. The worst days are when I am so depressed and my heart feels so heavy, that I want to just say "screw it" to the day, climb back in bed with the covers pulled over my head, and. just. cry. Feeling this way is not new to me, I am actually used to it. This feeling of brokeness and pain is actually quite frequent. Feeling joyful is actually uncomfortable to me, believe it or not. Maybe it's because I am so used to something going wrong, of failing, of making a fool of myself, for not being good enough, etc etc the list goes on and on.

When will I get it right? When will I just get over myself and self pity, and just LIVE. Live for God and His constant flow of joy? It is incredibly hard for me to wrap my head around that when all I want to do is be in a dark secluded room in a corner by myself, and just wail. I have no one to blame but myself. Every day I ask God, when will the day come when someone will love me enough or be interested in me enough to want to be with me and love me forever? I know He is sitting right next to me saying, "I love you. When will you love Me?". The thing is that I KNOW this but whether I FEEL it or not is a different story. Knowledge is one thing, feeling is another. I know nothing will happen in my life until I give it all up to Him, until marriage isn't so high in my dreams anymore, until I get over myself and do what I say I am going to do, when I stop believing that I can't do anything right and start believing that I CAN.

You see, too many people who have gotten their hearts crushed, whether it was once or many times over, always feel like they are alone, like they are the only ones with that extreme amount of hurt. We carry these burdens, and cover up our hearts from the world, we put up our guards and are firm in the belief that we will never be the same and that EVERYONE will hurt us. Well, some of it is true... we will never be the same. But the rest is just the weight that we carry afterwards. The amount of guilt, shame, and failure that LOOMS over our hearts preventing us from sharing...especially with the One who wants to heal us completely. The only One who can. We become people we are not, and convince ourselves that this is just how it always will be. Our hopes, dreams, and desires get tossed out the window along with our faith and courage. The fear and pain then come forth and we welcome it with open arms, allowing it to settle into our broken hearts. I can tell you this now, I know these feelings all TOO well and I go through them almost everyday. But if I have learned one thing, it is this. You have a choice: feed your fear or feed your faith.

I am constantly shoveling fear into my crumpled heart. Until I buck up, put my big girl pants on, and say "NO MORE!", I will stay in this state forever. I may be 21 years old and only have that many years of life, but my heart and emotions feel like they are 75. I am tired, broken, guilt ridden, heavy, depressed, and I have allowed darkness to cover my heart. I feel like I carry  the weight of the world on my shoulders, and let me tell you, I am terrible at hiding it. It's impossible.

If you are still reading this post, thank you. I know it hasn't been easy listening to me rant a little. I guess if anything, I just want to say that all of you out there with your hearts that feel like mine, broken and blocked, you're not alone. Get out there. Find people to encourage you, to help you feed your faith and not your fear, who BELIEVE in you and the person God created you to be. All in all, I guess that's what I want... and it's not up to anyone else but me to go seek it out. To seek God out fully and to allow Him to heal. It's time. I am done. It is time for me to stop complaining and start giving selflessly. To stop being stagnent and to start growing. God is my God and He is yours. Never let anyone, or anything tell you otherwise... even if it's yourself. If no one believes in you, I do and God does. Remember that and march on my friends. Keep marchin' on. Do not just run in your life and do not just pray, but pray and run diligently and consistantly. Remember that He has you in the palm of His Hand and loves you more than you could EVER imagine. Let the genuine goal of your life be Him telling you "Good job, my loving and faithful servant."

Just know that who ever you are, who ever is reading this... there is someone who loves you and believes you. It just might be me, and I know it is God.

The Heart Gets What The Heart Wants.

“The key to self control is not will power, but joy power. It is not about crushing your current desires but it is about finding your ultimate desire… When you find the highest desire of your heart, everything else that is a lesser desire, that would compromise or challenge your ability to get fully to that desire, is easy to say no to. It’s not hard to say yes to waking up in the morning when you know the prize at the end… Because the heart gets what the heart wants. What it ultimately wants it will have. When you define your ultimate desire, when you set your heart on a higher desire, the lesser stuff: no big deal. Something will always be demanding the heart’s submission.”

This past Sunday I decided to get up and go to Grace City Community Church, to try something new in hopes of finding refreshment. What I received, I was not ready to hear... but I knew that is why God had me there. By the end of the service, I was almost in tears. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to not let myself cry. God spoke straight to me and my heart, into my inner most being...

In my life... I run around in these circles. I keep myself busy, give to others, stay up late and wake up early... always. avoiding. myself. I hate reflecting on myself...mostly because I am not too much of a fan of, well...me. When all of my sins, short comings, and failures, catch up with me... I tend to go deep into myself and sulk. Not necessarily throwing a pity party, but just feeling extremely low and staying there. I feel like I make all the wrongs decisions, fail to get places on time, don't go the extra mile enough in regards to others. I compromise with the world and my temptations all the time. God is hardly at the top for me. God falls off my radar constantly. Sometimes on purpose to fulfill my own worldly desires. 

I loathe self reflecting. It's really difficult for me to do because there are more things that I don't like about myself than what I do like. 

I want God to be my ultimate desire. I want my heart to have Him be my highest desire. I am tired of becoming disappointed by people and worldly things, the lesser things that I no longer want. It is time for me to take a full glass of humility and look upon myself not with harsh judgement but with God's reality.  

If you can find the time, I highly suggest you listen to the sermon from this past Sunday. Pastor Seth talks about the heart's ultimate desire, the story of Jacob and Rachel, and of how we are God's "Rachel":

Grace City: 1st Corinthians- Strict Training

"Your nationality and heritage were chosen by God. So even if someone were born in the outer mountains of Mongolia, God has set things in place so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out and find him. The apostle Paul gives us hope and a mystery for those who wonder about the faithfulness of God to His creation."

As I was in the shower the other day, I was thinking... Is it me? Am I the reason why I don't get those phone calls to join people to go hang out? Am I the reason why I don't have a close best friend? I am not one to invite myself to things, I just feel really lame doing that. I feel like if I have to invite myself, then obviously I am not wanted there right? I mean, there is really no one else to blame but myself I guess.

Most of you reading this may not know me and my heart very well, but some of you do. So I am going to explain this as best as I can for all of you choosing to read this. (I hope you don't feel like you're wasting your time by doing so).

I have been one way since I was younger, most would describe it as "sensitive" and make a fed up face along with saying that. And I am sure at times my "sensitivity" was unreasonable. However, most of the time this. is. just. me. Ever since I was little I always felt like I could feel more emotion than the average person. Thus meaning that when others were experiencing an intense emotion (it mostly was when people were sad, depressed, in pain, mad, etc) I would feel it too. I never try to lessen what the person is feeling nor do I think I understand what they are going through completely, but for a brief moment my heart starts to ache (actually ache) for them. Now, let me talk about this "ache" for a minute because I never talk about it to others (I try to keep it under wraps ever since my health teacher in high school looked at me like I was crazy for asking a question about that). The "ache" I feel is legitimate, it actually hurts in my physical heart. Not like heart burn or any bodily occurrence like that. It's hard to describe it. It's an emotional hurt but I can actually feel it in my chest. I may sound crazy, you can call me crazy if you would like, but then you would just be confirming why I decide not to talk about this topic to others.

Anywho, going back to what I was talking about... Some people describe this "trait" or "characteristic" (whatever you want to call it) as being a compassionate person. Well that is mostly true. I would say that I am compassionate, very much so. I feel like maybe it's something more than that though. Maybe it's that I care too much? I don't know. I just love people, I love our makeup, I think personalities and our hearts are incredible. Now, it's not like I go around and love on everyone, because everyone knows that there are people that you will not like or get along with. For me though, I hate the tension and it really digs deep into me if I know someone doesn't like me. However, I am learning to get over that because not everyone is going to like everyone else. When it comes to people who have done me wrong though, yes it hurts at first (maybe more than it should.) but if they express interest in resolving things or wanting to become friends again (given there is a good period of time), I can't help but always give the benefit of the doubt. It gets me in trouble sometimes... more than you would expect, but I guess I just believe that everyone deserves compassion, mercy, grace and it's not displayed as often as it should be. Of course, there are those people whom you can forgive but don't have to continue on with that relationship, and I have done that a few times. For the most part though, I don't know what it is but I take people back. I guess I just want them to feel accepted and loved for who they are since I always feel the opposite towards me.

I don't know if I will ever learn to love how I was made (this was only a brief overview of my complex inner being anyways)... It's funny because I love others and accept them yet I am incredibly over critical of myself.

Maybe people don't want to hang out with me because sometimes it seems like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. Maybe I am too open, too revealing. Maybe I come across as a really depressing person when okay yeah, I can be depressing but I also know how to have fun and laugh and be silly. I just can't stand being that way all the time. It's just not me. Not how I function. I can't hide my emotions or tuck them away. I figure if they're right there on my sleeve, maybe someone will be able to relate. There are too many people in the world who feel alone and like they are the only ones feeling certain things; maybe if I came along and showed them my heart then they would feel, even for a moment, that they weren't alone. I guess maybe that's why I do it... to not feel alone. To not feel like I am the odd one out and that it's me that's the one left on the outside.

Despite this being the heavy burden it is sometimes, I am attempting to be thankful. Because God is an amazingly crazy mastermind for how He created the mind, heart, and soul.

"There are seasons where we need to remind our body where our true life lies. Whether our appetite is for food, entertainment, or even other people, the wilderness experience reminds us that we were created for more than just consumption."

I always have this craving, and it's not for God... well that's not completely true. I do crave Him quite frequently. But that is not what I am talking about in regards to the quote above. What I am talking about is my craving for someone. I have no clue who they are. I crave my future partner in life, my life long best friend, someone to grow in Christ with. It's something that I have always wanted and craved. Marriage for me, I look at it as something amazing. It is something that God created to display the way Jesus loves the church (His people). But don't take me as someone with rose-colored glasses on when I dream of marriage. Trust me, I know marriage is hard work. Sometimes it has more downs than ups.

...Despite this craving for companionship, I am yet again reminded by God that I was created for more than just consumption of these mere life induced things.

Ever since God set upon my heart to end a 2 year relationship (that was almost to engagement), I have realized just how much He needs me to pay attention to Him. It broke my heart to leave what I had and who I had... and it has taken me literally months and months to let it all go. And I might even still admit to myself that I haven't let it all go. I am not sure if I ever will. That person meant so much to me... however, they meant too much which meant that when they failed as that important source of happiness in my life, it brought devastation and disappointment upon me. That is not healthy and not correct, huh? It wasn't how it should be and God showed me that and He is proceeding to show me that.

For the most part, it's pretty much just God and I right now, and let me tell you that He is constantly having to patiently wait for me to look back at Him and keep looking upon Him. It is incredibly difficult to keep my mind, heart, soul, and eyes on Him though. For so long I was set in the mindset of marriage and now I am having to DRAG myself away from that image. I can't help looking and wondering, "Will I meet him today God? Is that him right there? He seems really great Lord, maybe that's him?" I cannot get myself to veer from those thoughts... but I know it's necessary. It's the whole reason why God isn't allowing me to get close to anyone... or for matter of fact, no is getting close to me. Maybe it's just me but I can usually tell when someone wants to spend time with me or is interested in me, but lately it's been so silent. I know it's God. He is telling me, "Stop craving, stop worrying. I have it all taken care of. All you need to do is fall in love with Me first and have it stay that way. No one can complete you like I can."

Maybe it's the hopeless romantic in me that wants someone, or maybe it's just nice to feel wanted. Who knows. All I know is that I need to stop saying "should" and I need to just surrender those thoughts when ever I think them or feel them. God has my life...

....this is all easier said than done.

‎"When we focus on the Lord, He gives us the strength to wrestle with the obstacles in our soul. It is in this divine paradox that spiritual growth occurs."

Spiritual growth is the hardest concept for me to grasp and obtain. I struggle with so many obstacles in my life and in the end I always end up screwing myself over because of the fact that I try to do it alone or that I think I can do it alone.

Ever get those times where you get UBER motivated to draw near to God? You say to yourself "No more dilly-dallying! I am committed to waking up early every day and reading my Bible and journaling like a good Christian woman should!!" And then you do it for a couple of days... then forget one time... wake up late the next... then eventually you just get discouraged and try to forget that you even thought about attempting to do that. It's not that I don't desire to draw near to God, trust me I really do. It's the fact that I always fail. The worst thing is, it's something that I get reprimanded for if I don't do it. In my family, it is not looked well upon if you skip church on Sunday. Well, I already go to two college church groups, shouldn't that be good enough??

I know, I know. Now I am just being grippey and complaining too much. Thing is, is that I cannot figure out what works for ME. For some people, they draw near to Him by reading their Bible, or journaling, etc etc. I really just haven't figured it out yet. Maybe I am too stubborn.

I love The Lord, there is no doubt about that. I want to love Him passionately though! I want to be on FIRE for Him. But I look at myself and can't seem to figure out what to do with myself to get there. Out of the 21 years I have been walking with the Lord, I have never gotten to that point where it's like BAM, there we go!

When will I ever figure it out?