The Heart is Hard to Find.

{Love. Grace. Mercy. Acceptance. Empathy.}

These are four things in every human that are desired; whether or not they are admitted, it is what we crave. Everyone wants to know that they are wanted, that someone else has belief in them. 

The desire for Love is vast and deep. It is something that we crave from the moment we are born. It was something God embedded in us so that we could turn to love Him. However, as intensely beautiful it might be... it rears a rather crushing and brutal side to it: when it is not reciprocated. This creates such a piercing pain in the heart... however it's not a physical pain. This pain, the one that occurs when love rears it's ugly head, feels like when you are on the verge of tears and then they pour out as you start to cry uncontrollably. Where you start hyperventilating, and your heart is in so much pain that your stomach hurts. That is what it feels like, but all of it is collectively festering in your heart, taking it hostage at gun point. I am very familier with this type of pain. It is easy to welcome and easy to let it stay. If it happens enough times, you get comfortable feeling this way. Then it becomes uncomfortable when you are happy in life, when your heart is joyful. 

Grace. Oh grace. The sister to Mercy. Something that I will never be able to grasp my little fingers around. I am starting to understand it, slowly but surely. However, it is not something that I think I will ever be able to fully comprehend. I honestly can't even say that I know how to describe it. It is not something we were born with to give. Not an ability that we as mere humans find constant or normal. When I think of grace, I think of it as giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Much like mercy, grace is setting aside all that hinders something and going forth to restore it. At least, that is what I think of when I see the word grace or think about giving others grace. I believe that that is what Humanistic Grace is. Divine Grace is something more vast than that though. Divine grace is this incredible concept that only our Heavenly Father is capable of understanding and giving. Divine grace is the gift of salvation, of rescue, from everything that darkens us (sin). It is such a thing that I can't even describe it more than that. Grace is something that every single person desperately needs. No one deserves it, but it needs to be freely given.

Mercy is the brother to grace. This is for sure something that wasn't ever a desire to give when we were created. Mercy is defined as the compassionate behavior from those who have been wronged by another.    Mercy is probably one of the most difficult things to do in human nature, simply because it is foreign to us. When someone wrongs you, it is human nature to get revenge, get even, or have justice. However, it not human to take that person who has wronged you, forgive them, give them grace, and invite them back into your life to serve them. That is just not something you do. When the act of mercy is pursued, observers will throw caution signs in your face, tell you that you're crazy, try to force you to not go through with it... that is the natural response to this action. Mercy is incredibly powerful. We are so undeserving of God's mercy but He gives it relentlessly because of grace and because of His undying love for us. For the things that I do in my life, the mistakes I make, the stupid things I do... God has every right to seek out justice with me, but He doesn't (however, this doesn't mean that I don't have consequences for my actions). Instead He takes me into His outstretched arms and welcomes me into their warm embrace. 

Acceptance peels off the unnecessary layers. Everyone wants to be accepted, even the people who act too hard ass to admit it. It is entirely exhausting to try to keep up an outer appearance that just. isn't. you (it's really easy to see past that as well.). Plus, how would you ever know if someone really wanted you, appreciated you, and loved you for well... YOU. Accepting someone for who they are goes past just the "I'll put up with you and hang out with you" persona that it so often is portrayed as. Truly accepting someone for who they are is not trying to change the things that make them, them. Hobbies, personality, passions, etc. Because, as I have learned (the hard way) you cannot make someone change anything. A person will not change unless they  want to change. If you claim that you truly care about a person, you will try your hardest to love every part of them. It doesn't mean that you don't give them tough love when they make a poor decision or an issue needs to be brought to the surface; what it means is that no matter what happens, you will love them for them, for how they were created. We weren't put here to judge. I was never put here to judge someone else. Only to serve God, to serve others, pursue fellowship (Iron sharpens Iron), and to love unconditionally like Jesus. Jesus hung out with the "lowest of the low", prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers, He never once thought that they weren't worthy of being around. If I could do one thing in my life, it's to inspire people to be themselves. Too many times to count, I have experienced someone telling me that I wasn't "good enough" or that something was wrong with me (that I was too sensitive, too compassionate, too emotional, etc)... For once, I just wish someone could tell me that they loved me for me and wouldn't change me for anything. Of course, I would want them to call me out on my crap and help me when I make mistakes, but ultimately, for the things I cannot change... just to tell me that I am loved. That is my passion for others. 

Last but definitely not least, Empathy. Probably one of the most humbling and heart wrenching things one person could do for another. Empathy is when you honestly set aside your pride, humble yourself, and look in a situation through another's eyes despite how you may feel about it all. This is probably one of the most difficult acts a human can do, because we are all selfish and our pride is hardened in our hearts in semi-permanent ink. We want to feel like our feelings are valid, which they are. Empathy, for me, comes at the most un-wanted times. Like when someone deeply hurts me: my pride tells me in a booming voice that I am right, they are wrong, and it is all their fault. My pride plays into my hatred of self reflection a lot as well, and feeds it often so I tend to try to avoid looking at myself. However, I can't help, when I get face to face with that person, to see the pain in their eyes and all of a sudden, my heart aches with them. I may not be able to understand their exact situation, because I am not them, but at least I feel a portion of it. Something happened recently to a couple friends I really care about... and when I talked to one of them, I couldn't help but walk away feeling their heartache. This happens to me often... You see I have this passion for people and I believe that everyone has something to offer, I want them to feel valued, like they have a purpose (which they do). But this passion gets me in trouble all too often. I then end up walking away, secluding myself for a while, feeling alone, and wanting to fix that person because I feel a portion of their pain. I guess people could look at me and tell me that I am stupid for doing that, maybe I am, but I honestly cannot help it. I love  people. God has blessed me with this passion and gift of empathy, compassion, and love... however... with blessings, come consequences. 

Which brings me to my next topic... I have come to realize that no one will ever love me like this, like I want to love other people. God is the only One that can fulfill me. Way easier said than done, let me tell you. God is the only one that can truly heal and mend others. I cannot. I am not God, I am not a miracle worker. I am just a messenger. Someone sent here to love and serve. Most battles are not my own to fight, hearts are not mine to mend...despite the pain I try to take from them and carry with me... Maybe I was meant to be alone...? Maybe I was designed this way to have it just be me and God for the rest of my life. I feel like I was created to be a partner to someone as well... but as I grow up and go through certain experiences, I am realizing that others don't need me and half the time they won't want me. The only One who will want me is God. He doesn't need me, I mean He doesn't need  anyone... but He wants us... He wants me... when will I fully grasp that though? When will I stop feeling so terrible inside?

Love. Grace. Mercy. Acceptance. Empathy. 

The things that I strive for... the things that make me, me. The things we all desire, secretly or openly. The very things that make me long  for my Father... the very things that I may never receive from another human being...which is what I will have to come to terms with.

Still Standing.

"I am changing; less and less asleep, made of different stuff than when I began. And I have sensed it all along... When the world has fallen out from under me, I'll be found in You...still standing. Every fear and accusation under my feet, when time and space are through...I'll be found in You."

I find that it is often difficult to stand firm in your faith and in God... especially when you are facing giants and facing man. Man is something that God tells us to not be afraid of, He reassures Jeremiah TWICE in one chapter that He is there with Him: "Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD...They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD." (Jeremiah 1:8, 19). If we are God's children, His beloved  creation, then why do we fear what people think of us or why do we fear what others may do to us?  

For me... I have discovered that I am terribly insecure and terrified of rejection/judgment from others. Too often I feel like I come across misunderstood or that I can't convey exactly what I desire to say. If you would like to award me the "Always Having Foot-in-Mouth" award, then you would be correct on that. All too often, because of this, when I get that tugging from God to do or say something, I shy away from it. I hate confronting people about things... all I want to do is do it in love and just have a simple conversation to help them think about their motives/decisions... however, I feel like all too often I get slapped in the face (metaphorically speaking) for it. Later on (maybe months down the road) they will come back to me and tell me that I was right and they didn't want to admit it or that I really made them think, but I despise the fact that I end up losing that friendship for a while... It really hurts. Maybe it's just God's way of "toughening me up"... or trying to strengthen my trust in Him. Who knows. 

I feel like I am finally understanding why I go through the things I go through, why God is molding my heart the way He is, why I was made the way I am. The hardest part of that discovery is accepting it and still standing firm in my faith because let me tell you that it is much much easier to live by the world's standards and to live of it. Sometimes, I just wish I was "normal"...whatever "normal" is. But then I wonder, why would I WANT to be that? If I was just like "everyone else" how would I make a difference? How would I know who my true friends are? How would I strive and fight to accumulate joy in my life? Why would I even desire  to have a relationship with God then? The fact of the matter is that I wouldn't. If I was living of the world, then there would be no point in anything I said or did. Jesus wasn't a very well liked guy, He wasn't popular, He was offensive. Jesus had the 12 disciples and even all of them in the end weren't there for Him. He had to stand firm in His Father God. 

I wasn't created to "get along" with everyone, but I was created to love them. I wasn't created to do what everyone else does, but I was created to make a difference. If the words that God speaks through me make even one person start to think, then I did what I was asked. Because it is not up to me to change the minds and hearts of others, that is their own responsibility to open up and to allow God to pierce their hearts with His love, grace, mercy, authority, and understanding. 

No matter what happens in my life, what I say or do... I am determined to have God in me and around me, making a difference. For I wasn't put on this Earth for my own benefit. No, I have a greater calling than the selfish needs that I so often find myself wanting. 

I guess if I could get one thing across here, it is to not be afraid of growth and what is in store for yourself. Get offensive in the right ways, do not fear others for what can they do to you? Nothing. Let them say what they will, do what they will, they don't answer to me anyways... they answer to Him. I would rather be still standing at the end having my Lord God telling me "Well done my good and faithful servant..." rather than looking at what impact my life could have had. You only have one life and it's short. Don't waste it. Be found in Him, not of the world. 

Honestly, after writing all of this... I have never felt more freedom and fullness from God. All the glory goes to Him. Praise the Lord. 

The Heart Gets What The Heart Wants.

“The key to self control is not will power, but joy power. It is not about crushing your current desires but it is about finding your ultimate desire… When you find the highest desire of your heart, everything else that is a lesser desire, that would compromise or challenge your ability to get fully to that desire, is easy to say no to. It’s not hard to say yes to waking up in the morning when you know the prize at the end… Because the heart gets what the heart wants. What it ultimately wants it will have. When you define your ultimate desire, when you set your heart on a higher desire, the lesser stuff: no big deal. Something will always be demanding the heart’s submission.”

This past Sunday I decided to get up and go to Grace City Community Church, to try something new in hopes of finding refreshment. What I received, I was not ready to hear... but I knew that is why God had me there. By the end of the service, I was almost in tears. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to not let myself cry. God spoke straight to me and my heart, into my inner most being...

In my life... I run around in these circles. I keep myself busy, give to others, stay up late and wake up early... always. avoiding. myself. I hate reflecting on myself...mostly because I am not too much of a fan of, well...me. When all of my sins, short comings, and failures, catch up with me... I tend to go deep into myself and sulk. Not necessarily throwing a pity party, but just feeling extremely low and staying there. I feel like I make all the wrongs decisions, fail to get places on time, don't go the extra mile enough in regards to others. I compromise with the world and my temptations all the time. God is hardly at the top for me. God falls off my radar constantly. Sometimes on purpose to fulfill my own worldly desires. 

I loathe self reflecting. It's really difficult for me to do because there are more things that I don't like about myself than what I do like. 

I want God to be my ultimate desire. I want my heart to have Him be my highest desire. I am tired of becoming disappointed by people and worldly things, the lesser things that I no longer want. It is time for me to take a full glass of humility and look upon myself not with harsh judgement but with God's reality.  

If you can find the time, I highly suggest you listen to the sermon from this past Sunday. Pastor Seth talks about the heart's ultimate desire, the story of Jacob and Rachel, and of how we are God's "Rachel":

Grace City: 1st Corinthians- Strict Training