The last time I wrote in my blog was about almost 3 months ago.
Since then I have tried to write multiple entries, but none have seemed to make the cut.
Why?
There is too much to tell and too many things that are just too personal that even I don't want to talk about them. Shocking, I know.
The things God has allowed me to go through recently haven't been easy... actually they have been the exact opposite of easy: difficult.
I try to be open and share most with others, to try to get them to understand me better and who God created me to be. But at more times than not, it seems like that backfires.
You see, I got used to my friends back home, people that truly know me, have learned to accept me for what I simply am... Me.
Describe yourself? Okay.
Over-reactive, emotional, tiring, depressed, sensitive, dumb, ugly, stupid, dramatic, irrational, crazy, unstable, unhappy, uncool, ridiculous.
"If you have nothing kind to say, don't say it at all."
Thanks Mom for those words. I guess I won't describe myself then.
I have enjoyed where I am, where God has placed me... But it finally happened.
I hit the wall.
Who I am, who I truly am... few know.
Why?
Because people don't take the time to want to get to know me.
There is that word: want.
They take one look at my emotions, my tears, my heart...and they walk away.
"It's too much work. Just be happy already."
They think to themselves.
They don't know the battles I fight inside though. Few do.
Is it too much to ask for some compassion?
Empathy?
"The first time, okay maybe I'll have it for you. But keep on crying, keep on having issues come up... well I just can't deal with that. That's too much." You say.
I am so thankful for having that one person here that get's me, that loves me despite how I am, flawed and all.
If it wasn't for that person, I would have moved back home when crap hit the fan these past few months.
Now that everything is quieting down, the storm is starting to settle, others are worn out by me... by my problems.
Little care and few want to hear.
I am thankful for the few though...
Here I am, Friday night, alone. I thought maybe my disaster of a night would be good for me, spending it by myself and all. However, it just made me feel even more alone.
I want to buy a plane ticket and just go. Travel. Run somewhere no one knows me. Maybe try to re-invent myself. Try to ignore what's going on back home and what's inside of me. Plaster a smile on my face no matter how I am feeling. Maybe people will learn to love me for me then...
I am very self-aware. I know what to tell myself in these situations.
"God created you this way, it's okay! Don't conform to this world! How are you doing God's work if you're not being you?"
When I hear that hope rise up in my heart, I push it back down.
It doesn't do me well.
Run. Run. Run.
I just want to get away.
I am a mentor, yes. I work in ministry, yes. I teach art to kids, yes. I have a church community, yes.
I know that God loves me, yes.
I feel that God loves me... sometimes.
Most of the time, I feel like I can't be this candid out for the world to see, because of my position, because I am supposed to be a leader in my ministry and help others grow in their walks with Christ.
But even King David, a leader of an entire nation, wrote down his grief, his pain, his joy, his struggles... and now it's published in the most read book of all time: the Bible.
"My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, Lord, how long?
.....
I am worn out from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes."
-Psalm 6: 3, 6
So here is the question I pose:
Why? Why can't I be candid and show my struggles? Why am I looked down upon for my "sensitivity" and the fact that it is incredibly difficult for me to wake up and be happy? You don't even know what I walk around on my shoulders with, yet you judge me on my moods, my emotions, the things that I cannot hide so easily like you can.
Don't act all righteous, high and mighty... like you have everything together, like it's all going to come together in time. King David was happy one moment and depressed the next, can I not still praise my God despite my pain and suffering on the inside? Can I not share Jesus with others despite the fact that I had a hard time getting up in the morning and facing the day? We teach about how Jesus used the "least of these" to be His disciples, how He showed love, grace and mercy to prostitutes, tax collectors, beggers and others who did not deserve it. He calls the weak to Himself, giving His strength to those in need. He chooses those who are willing, to spread His love. So then knowing these things and teaching others upon these things, what makes me so inadequate or too "emotional"? Do you even know the ability that God gives me though His Sprit to feel for His lost and broken children? It is incredible, yet when I get weak and my emotions get the best of me, then I am unusable?
I struggle.
I struggle to feel My God... but does that make Him any less real to me?
No.
