{insert thought-provoking title here}

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"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." {Romans 8:26-28, The Message}

Okay folks, honesty time. If there is anything that I have been lately, it has been burnt. out. I have felt like my fire has been snuffed out and that there is nothing left that is inspirational or relevant to anything inside of me. If you follow my blog and have noticed that I took a hiatus from it, now you know why. Trust me, I wanted to do a witty "Awkward and Awesome" Thursday and a "Monday Questionnaire", and I actually started two other blog posts but never finished them. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Nothing was burning inside of me. I started them but couldn't even get a whole paragraph together. I have been: Unmotivated. Exhausted. Impatient. Fed up. Frustrated. Depressed. Unsatisfied. The list goes on. I have been allowing Satan to fester in my thoughts, that is very apparent...so now I am confessing that to you all {but most importantly to God}. No more, no more, no more. 

Yesterday, at my college church group, my pastor, Tom, talked about sin. It was kind of confusing at first, he was talking about how we have inherited sin and willful sin. What really hit me hard though was the verse above, but it was in the NLT version at the time. I thought that The Message version spoke more clearly as to how much God is all knowing and all loving. It stopped me right in my tracks and made me tear up a bit. I fought my tears though because I didn't want to start crying {even though crying in church is perfectly fine}. It made me realize, why am I fighting God and His love for me?? Why do I keep walking around thinking that no one understands my heart or my desires when He knows them better than I ever could! Tom talked about how God is our Father, Abba {which means Father}, and how when we feel like we can't go anywhere else, that He wants us to curl up on His lap and let Him hold us. I have always known this and have heard it all before but that night... in that moment... it hit me like a warm breeze on a frigid day. God knew I needed to be reassured by Him that He is truly all I will ever need. That He knows me because He created me in every sense. I. am. Abba's. No one can take that away from me, ever. In that moment, my heart flooded with His love. I felt warm and I just wanted to weep from gratefulness.


If you are feeling hopeless, worthless, misunderstood, burdened, or just need some comfort, consider crawling up on Abba's lap today, in His loving arms...and rest fully in Him.


{photo credit: Neil Abrew, model: Me}

The Heart is Hard to Find.

{Love. Grace. Mercy. Acceptance. Empathy.}

These are four things in every human that are desired; whether or not they are admitted, it is what we crave. Everyone wants to know that they are wanted, that someone else has belief in them. 

The desire for Love is vast and deep. It is something that we crave from the moment we are born. It was something God embedded in us so that we could turn to love Him. However, as intensely beautiful it might be... it rears a rather crushing and brutal side to it: when it is not reciprocated. This creates such a piercing pain in the heart... however it's not a physical pain. This pain, the one that occurs when love rears it's ugly head, feels like when you are on the verge of tears and then they pour out as you start to cry uncontrollably. Where you start hyperventilating, and your heart is in so much pain that your stomach hurts. That is what it feels like, but all of it is collectively festering in your heart, taking it hostage at gun point. I am very familier with this type of pain. It is easy to welcome and easy to let it stay. If it happens enough times, you get comfortable feeling this way. Then it becomes uncomfortable when you are happy in life, when your heart is joyful. 

Grace. Oh grace. The sister to Mercy. Something that I will never be able to grasp my little fingers around. I am starting to understand it, slowly but surely. However, it is not something that I think I will ever be able to fully comprehend. I honestly can't even say that I know how to describe it. It is not something we were born with to give. Not an ability that we as mere humans find constant or normal. When I think of grace, I think of it as giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Much like mercy, grace is setting aside all that hinders something and going forth to restore it. At least, that is what I think of when I see the word grace or think about giving others grace. I believe that that is what Humanistic Grace is. Divine Grace is something more vast than that though. Divine grace is this incredible concept that only our Heavenly Father is capable of understanding and giving. Divine grace is the gift of salvation, of rescue, from everything that darkens us (sin). It is such a thing that I can't even describe it more than that. Grace is something that every single person desperately needs. No one deserves it, but it needs to be freely given.

Mercy is the brother to grace. This is for sure something that wasn't ever a desire to give when we were created. Mercy is defined as the compassionate behavior from those who have been wronged by another.    Mercy is probably one of the most difficult things to do in human nature, simply because it is foreign to us. When someone wrongs you, it is human nature to get revenge, get even, or have justice. However, it not human to take that person who has wronged you, forgive them, give them grace, and invite them back into your life to serve them. That is just not something you do. When the act of mercy is pursued, observers will throw caution signs in your face, tell you that you're crazy, try to force you to not go through with it... that is the natural response to this action. Mercy is incredibly powerful. We are so undeserving of God's mercy but He gives it relentlessly because of grace and because of His undying love for us. For the things that I do in my life, the mistakes I make, the stupid things I do... God has every right to seek out justice with me, but He doesn't (however, this doesn't mean that I don't have consequences for my actions). Instead He takes me into His outstretched arms and welcomes me into their warm embrace. 

Acceptance peels off the unnecessary layers. Everyone wants to be accepted, even the people who act too hard ass to admit it. It is entirely exhausting to try to keep up an outer appearance that just. isn't. you (it's really easy to see past that as well.). Plus, how would you ever know if someone really wanted you, appreciated you, and loved you for well... YOU. Accepting someone for who they are goes past just the "I'll put up with you and hang out with you" persona that it so often is portrayed as. Truly accepting someone for who they are is not trying to change the things that make them, them. Hobbies, personality, passions, etc. Because, as I have learned (the hard way) you cannot make someone change anything. A person will not change unless they  want to change. If you claim that you truly care about a person, you will try your hardest to love every part of them. It doesn't mean that you don't give them tough love when they make a poor decision or an issue needs to be brought to the surface; what it means is that no matter what happens, you will love them for them, for how they were created. We weren't put here to judge. I was never put here to judge someone else. Only to serve God, to serve others, pursue fellowship (Iron sharpens Iron), and to love unconditionally like Jesus. Jesus hung out with the "lowest of the low", prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers, He never once thought that they weren't worthy of being around. If I could do one thing in my life, it's to inspire people to be themselves. Too many times to count, I have experienced someone telling me that I wasn't "good enough" or that something was wrong with me (that I was too sensitive, too compassionate, too emotional, etc)... For once, I just wish someone could tell me that they loved me for me and wouldn't change me for anything. Of course, I would want them to call me out on my crap and help me when I make mistakes, but ultimately, for the things I cannot change... just to tell me that I am loved. That is my passion for others. 

Last but definitely not least, Empathy. Probably one of the most humbling and heart wrenching things one person could do for another. Empathy is when you honestly set aside your pride, humble yourself, and look in a situation through another's eyes despite how you may feel about it all. This is probably one of the most difficult acts a human can do, because we are all selfish and our pride is hardened in our hearts in semi-permanent ink. We want to feel like our feelings are valid, which they are. Empathy, for me, comes at the most un-wanted times. Like when someone deeply hurts me: my pride tells me in a booming voice that I am right, they are wrong, and it is all their fault. My pride plays into my hatred of self reflection a lot as well, and feeds it often so I tend to try to avoid looking at myself. However, I can't help, when I get face to face with that person, to see the pain in their eyes and all of a sudden, my heart aches with them. I may not be able to understand their exact situation, because I am not them, but at least I feel a portion of it. Something happened recently to a couple friends I really care about... and when I talked to one of them, I couldn't help but walk away feeling their heartache. This happens to me often... You see I have this passion for people and I believe that everyone has something to offer, I want them to feel valued, like they have a purpose (which they do). But this passion gets me in trouble all too often. I then end up walking away, secluding myself for a while, feeling alone, and wanting to fix that person because I feel a portion of their pain. I guess people could look at me and tell me that I am stupid for doing that, maybe I am, but I honestly cannot help it. I love  people. God has blessed me with this passion and gift of empathy, compassion, and love... however... with blessings, come consequences. 

Which brings me to my next topic... I have come to realize that no one will ever love me like this, like I want to love other people. God is the only One that can fulfill me. Way easier said than done, let me tell you. God is the only one that can truly heal and mend others. I cannot. I am not God, I am not a miracle worker. I am just a messenger. Someone sent here to love and serve. Most battles are not my own to fight, hearts are not mine to mend...despite the pain I try to take from them and carry with me... Maybe I was meant to be alone...? Maybe I was designed this way to have it just be me and God for the rest of my life. I feel like I was created to be a partner to someone as well... but as I grow up and go through certain experiences, I am realizing that others don't need me and half the time they won't want me. The only One who will want me is God. He doesn't need me, I mean He doesn't need  anyone... but He wants us... He wants me... when will I fully grasp that though? When will I stop feeling so terrible inside?

Love. Grace. Mercy. Acceptance. Empathy. 

The things that I strive for... the things that make me, me. The things we all desire, secretly or openly. The very things that make me long  for my Father... the very things that I may never receive from another human being...which is what I will have to come to terms with.

Awkward Smells and Awesome Ladies Thursday!

Yes, people! It is that time of the week again! It is Awkward and Awesome Thursday! Woot! I will share with you some of my most awkward and amazingly awesome moments from the week. If you do one of these, be sure to let me know!

Alrighty! 一、二、三, GO!

(that is Japanese for one, two, three... I know... uber nerd over here.)

Awkward:

- Changing in my mom's office for her workout class... It's nice that I don't have to use the locker room but I get afraid that someone will peak through the window and catch me at not my finest moment...

- Reading an email from my sister at work and then answering the phone like this: "Team Oregon, this is Aimee, how may I love you?" ...... cue the crickets..... At least the guy didn't hear me! That would have been terrible... my co-worker just turned around and proceeded to ask me what kind of service I was offering our students... yeah....

-My classroom smelling normal and then someone walking in, sitting down and making it smell like rotten eggs.... Yeah... I am pretty sure they brought their "own wind" in with them...

- Basically circling the parking lot with ten other cars, acting like your playing musical chairs... but with parking spots... it's vicious people, vicious. It's a battle of the fastest and closest car to get a spot. OSU parking sucks hard core.

-Messing up the moves in my mom's Cario Kickboxing II class... I hope people don't think that I am supposed to be as coordinated as my mom in this class... I may be able to crump but doing things in order is NOT my speciality people. I'm not that athletic either...

-Going to Starbucks today to see if that handsome barista from last week is there- I mean, to meet Hannah for coffee and chat ^_^. He wasn't there. Just two girls. Did he EVER exist!? Just my luck...

Awesome:

-  Playing video games with a couple guy friends :) I think that's like the perfect night for me. I should have worn my Mario shirt though to bring me luck... yeah I got beat badly.

- Shopping date with Hannah and then major girls night with her and Brittany, full of wine, fudge brownies, and masks :)

-Thinking about my possible living situation as of this summer <3

- Stepping out of my comfort zone and talking to women I don't know and offering them a free makeover/facial. They more than happily accepted! So AWESOME!!!!

- Possibly having two more fine ladies join my Mary Kay team :D Red Jacket here I come!!! These girls are ah-mazing!

-Not being broke. AMEN TO THAT.

- Having a heater in my room while sleeping. Waking up to the cold is NOT fun people. It just makes you want to stay in bed (which I wish I could do every morning...)

-New music. Mmmm ^_^

-Being inspired to get my body in gear for spring ;)
-Feeling immense joy for no particular reason except that God filling me. :) Reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and The Joyful Christian devotional by C.S Lewis is extremely helpful.

Full weekend ahead (like usual haha)! Tomorrow is a couple hours of work, then errands and cleaning the house, then BEACH TIME for Pukey's 21st. Saturday is jam packed full of my sister's baby shower, and Sunday is church, homework, The Body, maybe accapella group? 

Lilies.

1.) Mood:
Eh, fine enough. A little motivated. Really full (from my Hasty Freeze, YUM!). Resisting sleep.

2.) What is your favorite flower?
Lilies :) Any kind. And Iris's (I know that grammer isn't exactly correct but oh well). They are both beautiful :D. Getting flowers for me is rare but when I get them, oh it just makes me uber happy! <3

3.) What sound is the alarm you wake up to in the morning?
BEEEEEEEEEPING of my alarm and then my sister calling me to tell my sad self to get out of bed and go to work.

4.) Current nail polish:
Hmmmm.... I have no clue. It's this cute whiteish pinkish color.

5.) Would you rather have a huge closet or a spacious bathroom (implying that the other would be tiny)?
Closet. Hands down. Take my friend Hannah's closet for example.... LOVE IT. If I could hug it, I would. Maybe I would be more organized if I had a big closet?

6.) If you could relive one year of your life, which would it be?
I wouldn't want to relive any years. They were all full of ups and downs that I would rather not repeat.

7.) Current outfit:
Fuzzy star socks. My Azalea House sweats from last year. my Azalea house "Every Gnome-y needs a home-y" shirt. Can you tell that I lived at Azalea house? (hahaha)

8.) What was your favorite Halloween costume as a kid?
My Sailor Mercury costume. Hands down. You can laugh all you want but her name was Amy too (despite she had the "uncool" spelling) and her birthday in Sailor Moon was one day before mine. I felt connected to her. Plus I always dreamed of being able to transform into a Sailor Scout ^_^. Don't judge people. -_- ....


9.) Have you ever been able to talk your way out of a speeding ticket?
Never been pulled over (knock on wood), surprisingly. But I have my WHOLE story/tears planned out for IF it happens.


10.) Weekly goals:
Schedule Mary Kay Skin Care Classes and Makeovers for next week, do my hw, get things for my sister's baby shower, breathe.

Still Standing.

"I am changing; less and less asleep, made of different stuff than when I began. And I have sensed it all along... When the world has fallen out from under me, I'll be found in You...still standing. Every fear and accusation under my feet, when time and space are through...I'll be found in You."

I find that it is often difficult to stand firm in your faith and in God... especially when you are facing giants and facing man. Man is something that God tells us to not be afraid of, He reassures Jeremiah TWICE in one chapter that He is there with Him: "Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD...They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD." (Jeremiah 1:8, 19). If we are God's children, His beloved  creation, then why do we fear what people think of us or why do we fear what others may do to us?  

For me... I have discovered that I am terribly insecure and terrified of rejection/judgment from others. Too often I feel like I come across misunderstood or that I can't convey exactly what I desire to say. If you would like to award me the "Always Having Foot-in-Mouth" award, then you would be correct on that. All too often, because of this, when I get that tugging from God to do or say something, I shy away from it. I hate confronting people about things... all I want to do is do it in love and just have a simple conversation to help them think about their motives/decisions... however, I feel like all too often I get slapped in the face (metaphorically speaking) for it. Later on (maybe months down the road) they will come back to me and tell me that I was right and they didn't want to admit it or that I really made them think, but I despise the fact that I end up losing that friendship for a while... It really hurts. Maybe it's just God's way of "toughening me up"... or trying to strengthen my trust in Him. Who knows. 

I feel like I am finally understanding why I go through the things I go through, why God is molding my heart the way He is, why I was made the way I am. The hardest part of that discovery is accepting it and still standing firm in my faith because let me tell you that it is much much easier to live by the world's standards and to live of it. Sometimes, I just wish I was "normal"...whatever "normal" is. But then I wonder, why would I WANT to be that? If I was just like "everyone else" how would I make a difference? How would I know who my true friends are? How would I strive and fight to accumulate joy in my life? Why would I even desire  to have a relationship with God then? The fact of the matter is that I wouldn't. If I was living of the world, then there would be no point in anything I said or did. Jesus wasn't a very well liked guy, He wasn't popular, He was offensive. Jesus had the 12 disciples and even all of them in the end weren't there for Him. He had to stand firm in His Father God. 

I wasn't created to "get along" with everyone, but I was created to love them. I wasn't created to do what everyone else does, but I was created to make a difference. If the words that God speaks through me make even one person start to think, then I did what I was asked. Because it is not up to me to change the minds and hearts of others, that is their own responsibility to open up and to allow God to pierce their hearts with His love, grace, mercy, authority, and understanding. 

No matter what happens in my life, what I say or do... I am determined to have God in me and around me, making a difference. For I wasn't put on this Earth for my own benefit. No, I have a greater calling than the selfish needs that I so often find myself wanting. 

I guess if I could get one thing across here, it is to not be afraid of growth and what is in store for yourself. Get offensive in the right ways, do not fear others for what can they do to you? Nothing. Let them say what they will, do what they will, they don't answer to me anyways... they answer to Him. I would rather be still standing at the end having my Lord God telling me "Well done my good and faithful servant..." rather than looking at what impact my life could have had. You only have one life and it's short. Don't waste it. Be found in Him, not of the world. 

Honestly, after writing all of this... I have never felt more freedom and fullness from God. All the glory goes to Him. Praise the Lord.