To: My Worrisome Mind

"Be quiet! Why this anxious heed about your tangled ways?
God knows them all. He gives you speed and allows delays.
It's good for you to walk by faith and not by sight.
Take it on trust a little while.
Soon will you read the mystery aright in the full sunshine of His smile"
-April 19th {Streams in the Desert}


Sincerely,
Soul

Still Standing.

"I am changing; less and less asleep, made of different stuff than when I began. And I have sensed it all along... When the world has fallen out from under me, I'll be found in You...still standing. Every fear and accusation under my feet, when time and space are through...I'll be found in You."

I find that it is often difficult to stand firm in your faith and in God... especially when you are facing giants and facing man. Man is something that God tells us to not be afraid of, He reassures Jeremiah TWICE in one chapter that He is there with Him: "Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD...They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD." (Jeremiah 1:8, 19). If we are God's children, His beloved  creation, then why do we fear what people think of us or why do we fear what others may do to us?  

For me... I have discovered that I am terribly insecure and terrified of rejection/judgment from others. Too often I feel like I come across misunderstood or that I can't convey exactly what I desire to say. If you would like to award me the "Always Having Foot-in-Mouth" award, then you would be correct on that. All too often, because of this, when I get that tugging from God to do or say something, I shy away from it. I hate confronting people about things... all I want to do is do it in love and just have a simple conversation to help them think about their motives/decisions... however, I feel like all too often I get slapped in the face (metaphorically speaking) for it. Later on (maybe months down the road) they will come back to me and tell me that I was right and they didn't want to admit it or that I really made them think, but I despise the fact that I end up losing that friendship for a while... It really hurts. Maybe it's just God's way of "toughening me up"... or trying to strengthen my trust in Him. Who knows. 

I feel like I am finally understanding why I go through the things I go through, why God is molding my heart the way He is, why I was made the way I am. The hardest part of that discovery is accepting it and still standing firm in my faith because let me tell you that it is much much easier to live by the world's standards and to live of it. Sometimes, I just wish I was "normal"...whatever "normal" is. But then I wonder, why would I WANT to be that? If I was just like "everyone else" how would I make a difference? How would I know who my true friends are? How would I strive and fight to accumulate joy in my life? Why would I even desire  to have a relationship with God then? The fact of the matter is that I wouldn't. If I was living of the world, then there would be no point in anything I said or did. Jesus wasn't a very well liked guy, He wasn't popular, He was offensive. Jesus had the 12 disciples and even all of them in the end weren't there for Him. He had to stand firm in His Father God. 

I wasn't created to "get along" with everyone, but I was created to love them. I wasn't created to do what everyone else does, but I was created to make a difference. If the words that God speaks through me make even one person start to think, then I did what I was asked. Because it is not up to me to change the minds and hearts of others, that is their own responsibility to open up and to allow God to pierce their hearts with His love, grace, mercy, authority, and understanding. 

No matter what happens in my life, what I say or do... I am determined to have God in me and around me, making a difference. For I wasn't put on this Earth for my own benefit. No, I have a greater calling than the selfish needs that I so often find myself wanting. 

I guess if I could get one thing across here, it is to not be afraid of growth and what is in store for yourself. Get offensive in the right ways, do not fear others for what can they do to you? Nothing. Let them say what they will, do what they will, they don't answer to me anyways... they answer to Him. I would rather be still standing at the end having my Lord God telling me "Well done my good and faithful servant..." rather than looking at what impact my life could have had. You only have one life and it's short. Don't waste it. Be found in Him, not of the world. 

Honestly, after writing all of this... I have never felt more freedom and fullness from God. All the glory goes to Him. Praise the Lord. 

Here's To The Heart Broken.

"Cry out to God to soften your heart, for you have been deadened in your heart, and any dullness toward sin also creates dullness toward joy. It is when we are able to face the pain of our sin that we can receive the joy of God's healing. This renews a heart to return to God."

If there is one thing my heart has been, it's stagnent. I haven't felt full of love, joy or life recently... There are few days where I can wake up and not be dreading what is to come in the day. The worst days are when I am so depressed and my heart feels so heavy, that I want to just say "screw it" to the day, climb back in bed with the covers pulled over my head, and. just. cry. Feeling this way is not new to me, I am actually used to it. This feeling of brokeness and pain is actually quite frequent. Feeling joyful is actually uncomfortable to me, believe it or not. Maybe it's because I am so used to something going wrong, of failing, of making a fool of myself, for not being good enough, etc etc the list goes on and on.

When will I get it right? When will I just get over myself and self pity, and just LIVE. Live for God and His constant flow of joy? It is incredibly hard for me to wrap my head around that when all I want to do is be in a dark secluded room in a corner by myself, and just wail. I have no one to blame but myself. Every day I ask God, when will the day come when someone will love me enough or be interested in me enough to want to be with me and love me forever? I know He is sitting right next to me saying, "I love you. When will you love Me?". The thing is that I KNOW this but whether I FEEL it or not is a different story. Knowledge is one thing, feeling is another. I know nothing will happen in my life until I give it all up to Him, until marriage isn't so high in my dreams anymore, until I get over myself and do what I say I am going to do, when I stop believing that I can't do anything right and start believing that I CAN.

You see, too many people who have gotten their hearts crushed, whether it was once or many times over, always feel like they are alone, like they are the only ones with that extreme amount of hurt. We carry these burdens, and cover up our hearts from the world, we put up our guards and are firm in the belief that we will never be the same and that EVERYONE will hurt us. Well, some of it is true... we will never be the same. But the rest is just the weight that we carry afterwards. The amount of guilt, shame, and failure that LOOMS over our hearts preventing us from sharing...especially with the One who wants to heal us completely. The only One who can. We become people we are not, and convince ourselves that this is just how it always will be. Our hopes, dreams, and desires get tossed out the window along with our faith and courage. The fear and pain then come forth and we welcome it with open arms, allowing it to settle into our broken hearts. I can tell you this now, I know these feelings all TOO well and I go through them almost everyday. But if I have learned one thing, it is this. You have a choice: feed your fear or feed your faith.

I am constantly shoveling fear into my crumpled heart. Until I buck up, put my big girl pants on, and say "NO MORE!", I will stay in this state forever. I may be 21 years old and only have that many years of life, but my heart and emotions feel like they are 75. I am tired, broken, guilt ridden, heavy, depressed, and I have allowed darkness to cover my heart. I feel like I carry  the weight of the world on my shoulders, and let me tell you, I am terrible at hiding it. It's impossible.

If you are still reading this post, thank you. I know it hasn't been easy listening to me rant a little. I guess if anything, I just want to say that all of you out there with your hearts that feel like mine, broken and blocked, you're not alone. Get out there. Find people to encourage you, to help you feed your faith and not your fear, who BELIEVE in you and the person God created you to be. All in all, I guess that's what I want... and it's not up to anyone else but me to go seek it out. To seek God out fully and to allow Him to heal. It's time. I am done. It is time for me to stop complaining and start giving selflessly. To stop being stagnent and to start growing. God is my God and He is yours. Never let anyone, or anything tell you otherwise... even if it's yourself. If no one believes in you, I do and God does. Remember that and march on my friends. Keep marchin' on. Do not just run in your life and do not just pray, but pray and run diligently and consistantly. Remember that He has you in the palm of His Hand and loves you more than you could EVER imagine. Let the genuine goal of your life be Him telling you "Good job, my loving and faithful servant."

Just know that who ever you are, who ever is reading this... there is someone who loves you and believes you. It just might be me, and I know it is God.