"Your nationality and heritage were chosen by God. So even if someone were born in the outer mountains of Mongolia, God has set things in place so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out and find him. The apostle Paul gives us hope and a mystery for those who wonder about the faithfulness of God to His creation."
As I was in the shower the other day, I was thinking... Is it me? Am I the reason why I don't get those phone calls to join people to go hang out? Am I the reason why I don't have a close best friend? I am not one to invite myself to things, I just feel really lame doing that. I feel like if I have to invite myself, then obviously I am not wanted there right? I mean, there is really no one else to blame but myself I guess.
Most of you reading this may not know me and my heart very well, but some of you do. So I am going to explain this as best as I can for all of you choosing to read this. (I hope you don't feel like you're wasting your time by doing so).
I have been one way since I was younger, most would describe it as "sensitive" and make a fed up face along with saying that. And I am sure at times my "sensitivity" was unreasonable. However, most of the time this. is. just. me. Ever since I was little I always felt like I could feel more emotion than the average person. Thus meaning that when others were experiencing an intense emotion (it mostly was when people were sad, depressed, in pain, mad, etc) I would feel it too. I never try to lessen what the person is feeling nor do I think I understand what they are going through completely, but for a brief moment my heart starts to ache (actually ache) for them. Now, let me talk about this "ache" for a minute because I never talk about it to others (I try to keep it under wraps ever since my health teacher in high school looked at me like I was crazy for asking a question about that). The "ache" I feel is legitimate, it actually hurts in my physical heart. Not like heart burn or any bodily occurrence like that. It's hard to describe it. It's an emotional hurt but I can actually feel it in my chest. I may sound crazy, you can call me crazy if you would like, but then you would just be confirming why I decide not to talk about this topic to others.
Anywho, going back to what I was talking about... Some people describe this "trait" or "characteristic" (whatever you want to call it) as being a compassionate person. Well that is mostly true. I would say that I am compassionate, very much so. I feel like maybe it's something more than that though. Maybe it's that I care too much? I don't know. I just love people, I love our makeup, I think personalities and our hearts are incredible. Now, it's not like I go around and love on everyone, because everyone knows that there are people that you will not like or get along with. For me though, I hate the tension and it really digs deep into me if I know someone doesn't like me. However, I am learning to get over that because not everyone is going to like everyone else. When it comes to people who have done me wrong though, yes it hurts at first (maybe more than it should.) but if they express interest in resolving things or wanting to become friends again (given there is a good period of time), I can't help but always give the benefit of the doubt. It gets me in trouble sometimes... more than you would expect, but I guess I just believe that everyone deserves compassion, mercy, grace and it's not displayed as often as it should be. Of course, there are those people whom you can forgive but don't have to continue on with that relationship, and I have done that a few times. For the most part though, I don't know what it is but I take people back. I guess I just want them to feel accepted and loved for who they are since I always feel the opposite towards me.
I don't know if I will ever learn to love how I was made (this was only a brief overview of my complex inner being anyways)... It's funny because I love others and accept them yet I am incredibly over critical of myself.
Maybe people don't want to hang out with me because sometimes it seems like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. Maybe I am too open, too revealing. Maybe I come across as a really depressing person when okay yeah, I can be depressing but I also know how to have fun and laugh and be silly. I just can't stand being that way all the time. It's just not me. Not how I function. I can't hide my emotions or tuck them away. I figure if they're right there on my sleeve, maybe someone will be able to relate. There are too many people in the world who feel alone and like they are the only ones feeling certain things; maybe if I came along and showed them my heart then they would feel, even for a moment, that they weren't alone. I guess maybe that's why I do it... to not feel alone. To not feel like I am the odd one out and that it's me that's the one left on the outside.
Despite this being the heavy burden it is sometimes, I am attempting to be thankful. Because God is an amazingly crazy mastermind for how He created the mind, heart, and soul.
Hey Miss Aimee,
ReplyDeleteThis is Hannah... but I'm too lazy to get an account with my name, so I'm going to post it this way. So, a few responses (I hope it's okay to write back?):
1. Remember, you can invite yourself to things because you ARE worth having along! And I know you have a fun side/ really adorable laugh. Sometimes people are just idiots and forget to invite others. If anything, it reflects more on our personalities than yours. I know it can be awkward, though. I used to struggle with this a lot more, until I got really sick of sitting at home alone. You can always invite yourself to anything I set up - if I say no, I'll give a good reason - and it will never be because I don't want to see you.
2. A literal heart ache doesn't sound so crazy. When I get anxious, I feel nauseated, but no one thinks that's nuts. I really think people have physiological responses to intense emotions and mental states.
3. We don't always have to love how we are made, because God loves how He made us. We've been handcrafted by the best artist ever. And even when we don't understand why some pots have prettier glazes, and other are made of stronger clay, God knows why. He's created us all for different uses, so we all need to be made differently. :)
4. Something that your post made me think about: Sometimes I struggle with distinguishing between having humility (something God wants us to have) and hating myself (I don't believe God wants us to do this). Perhaps this is something I need to study more. I think humility is knowing you have flaws and don't deserve something, but knowing the only real humble thing to do is accept it anyway. Who are we to reject the love of the God of the universe? How can we hate on God's work of art, when, clearly, He's a master? And yes, sin is in the world, and so that is like a giant chip in our glaze. But, speaking as a designer, when you create something, and spend that much time and energy on it, even if it is broken into a million pieces - you still love those pieces and hold onto them. You still have an attachment to that creation. I think sometimes satan tries to bring us down by making us think that we're being "humble" when we are hating ourselves. But, what do we accomplish when we hate ourselves versus when we have the confidence that God loves us? I don't know about you, but I get so much more done (and love others so much better!)on those days of confidence then on those days of feeling low about myself.
5. ...That's all, really. I think I shut up and go to bed now. <3