Here's To The Heart Broken.

"Cry out to God to soften your heart, for you have been deadened in your heart, and any dullness toward sin also creates dullness toward joy. It is when we are able to face the pain of our sin that we can receive the joy of God's healing. This renews a heart to return to God."

If there is one thing my heart has been, it's stagnent. I haven't felt full of love, joy or life recently... There are few days where I can wake up and not be dreading what is to come in the day. The worst days are when I am so depressed and my heart feels so heavy, that I want to just say "screw it" to the day, climb back in bed with the covers pulled over my head, and. just. cry. Feeling this way is not new to me, I am actually used to it. This feeling of brokeness and pain is actually quite frequent. Feeling joyful is actually uncomfortable to me, believe it or not. Maybe it's because I am so used to something going wrong, of failing, of making a fool of myself, for not being good enough, etc etc the list goes on and on.

When will I get it right? When will I just get over myself and self pity, and just LIVE. Live for God and His constant flow of joy? It is incredibly hard for me to wrap my head around that when all I want to do is be in a dark secluded room in a corner by myself, and just wail. I have no one to blame but myself. Every day I ask God, when will the day come when someone will love me enough or be interested in me enough to want to be with me and love me forever? I know He is sitting right next to me saying, "I love you. When will you love Me?". The thing is that I KNOW this but whether I FEEL it or not is a different story. Knowledge is one thing, feeling is another. I know nothing will happen in my life until I give it all up to Him, until marriage isn't so high in my dreams anymore, until I get over myself and do what I say I am going to do, when I stop believing that I can't do anything right and start believing that I CAN.

You see, too many people who have gotten their hearts crushed, whether it was once or many times over, always feel like they are alone, like they are the only ones with that extreme amount of hurt. We carry these burdens, and cover up our hearts from the world, we put up our guards and are firm in the belief that we will never be the same and that EVERYONE will hurt us. Well, some of it is true... we will never be the same. But the rest is just the weight that we carry afterwards. The amount of guilt, shame, and failure that LOOMS over our hearts preventing us from sharing...especially with the One who wants to heal us completely. The only One who can. We become people we are not, and convince ourselves that this is just how it always will be. Our hopes, dreams, and desires get tossed out the window along with our faith and courage. The fear and pain then come forth and we welcome it with open arms, allowing it to settle into our broken hearts. I can tell you this now, I know these feelings all TOO well and I go through them almost everyday. But if I have learned one thing, it is this. You have a choice: feed your fear or feed your faith.

I am constantly shoveling fear into my crumpled heart. Until I buck up, put my big girl pants on, and say "NO MORE!", I will stay in this state forever. I may be 21 years old and only have that many years of life, but my heart and emotions feel like they are 75. I am tired, broken, guilt ridden, heavy, depressed, and I have allowed darkness to cover my heart. I feel like I carry  the weight of the world on my shoulders, and let me tell you, I am terrible at hiding it. It's impossible.

If you are still reading this post, thank you. I know it hasn't been easy listening to me rant a little. I guess if anything, I just want to say that all of you out there with your hearts that feel like mine, broken and blocked, you're not alone. Get out there. Find people to encourage you, to help you feed your faith and not your fear, who BELIEVE in you and the person God created you to be. All in all, I guess that's what I want... and it's not up to anyone else but me to go seek it out. To seek God out fully and to allow Him to heal. It's time. I am done. It is time for me to stop complaining and start giving selflessly. To stop being stagnent and to start growing. God is my God and He is yours. Never let anyone, or anything tell you otherwise... even if it's yourself. If no one believes in you, I do and God does. Remember that and march on my friends. Keep marchin' on. Do not just run in your life and do not just pray, but pray and run diligently and consistantly. Remember that He has you in the palm of His Hand and loves you more than you could EVER imagine. Let the genuine goal of your life be Him telling you "Good job, my loving and faithful servant."

Just know that who ever you are, who ever is reading this... there is someone who loves you and believes you. It just might be me, and I know it is God.

The Heart Gets What The Heart Wants.

“The key to self control is not will power, but joy power. It is not about crushing your current desires but it is about finding your ultimate desire… When you find the highest desire of your heart, everything else that is a lesser desire, that would compromise or challenge your ability to get fully to that desire, is easy to say no to. It’s not hard to say yes to waking up in the morning when you know the prize at the end… Because the heart gets what the heart wants. What it ultimately wants it will have. When you define your ultimate desire, when you set your heart on a higher desire, the lesser stuff: no big deal. Something will always be demanding the heart’s submission.”

This past Sunday I decided to get up and go to Grace City Community Church, to try something new in hopes of finding refreshment. What I received, I was not ready to hear... but I knew that is why God had me there. By the end of the service, I was almost in tears. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to not let myself cry. God spoke straight to me and my heart, into my inner most being...

In my life... I run around in these circles. I keep myself busy, give to others, stay up late and wake up early... always. avoiding. myself. I hate reflecting on myself...mostly because I am not too much of a fan of, well...me. When all of my sins, short comings, and failures, catch up with me... I tend to go deep into myself and sulk. Not necessarily throwing a pity party, but just feeling extremely low and staying there. I feel like I make all the wrongs decisions, fail to get places on time, don't go the extra mile enough in regards to others. I compromise with the world and my temptations all the time. God is hardly at the top for me. God falls off my radar constantly. Sometimes on purpose to fulfill my own worldly desires. 

I loathe self reflecting. It's really difficult for me to do because there are more things that I don't like about myself than what I do like. 

I want God to be my ultimate desire. I want my heart to have Him be my highest desire. I am tired of becoming disappointed by people and worldly things, the lesser things that I no longer want. It is time for me to take a full glass of humility and look upon myself not with harsh judgement but with God's reality.  

If you can find the time, I highly suggest you listen to the sermon from this past Sunday. Pastor Seth talks about the heart's ultimate desire, the story of Jacob and Rachel, and of how we are God's "Rachel":

Grace City: 1st Corinthians- Strict Training

"Your nationality and heritage were chosen by God. So even if someone were born in the outer mountains of Mongolia, God has set things in place so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out and find him. The apostle Paul gives us hope and a mystery for those who wonder about the faithfulness of God to His creation."

As I was in the shower the other day, I was thinking... Is it me? Am I the reason why I don't get those phone calls to join people to go hang out? Am I the reason why I don't have a close best friend? I am not one to invite myself to things, I just feel really lame doing that. I feel like if I have to invite myself, then obviously I am not wanted there right? I mean, there is really no one else to blame but myself I guess.

Most of you reading this may not know me and my heart very well, but some of you do. So I am going to explain this as best as I can for all of you choosing to read this. (I hope you don't feel like you're wasting your time by doing so).

I have been one way since I was younger, most would describe it as "sensitive" and make a fed up face along with saying that. And I am sure at times my "sensitivity" was unreasonable. However, most of the time this. is. just. me. Ever since I was little I always felt like I could feel more emotion than the average person. Thus meaning that when others were experiencing an intense emotion (it mostly was when people were sad, depressed, in pain, mad, etc) I would feel it too. I never try to lessen what the person is feeling nor do I think I understand what they are going through completely, but for a brief moment my heart starts to ache (actually ache) for them. Now, let me talk about this "ache" for a minute because I never talk about it to others (I try to keep it under wraps ever since my health teacher in high school looked at me like I was crazy for asking a question about that). The "ache" I feel is legitimate, it actually hurts in my physical heart. Not like heart burn or any bodily occurrence like that. It's hard to describe it. It's an emotional hurt but I can actually feel it in my chest. I may sound crazy, you can call me crazy if you would like, but then you would just be confirming why I decide not to talk about this topic to others.

Anywho, going back to what I was talking about... Some people describe this "trait" or "characteristic" (whatever you want to call it) as being a compassionate person. Well that is mostly true. I would say that I am compassionate, very much so. I feel like maybe it's something more than that though. Maybe it's that I care too much? I don't know. I just love people, I love our makeup, I think personalities and our hearts are incredible. Now, it's not like I go around and love on everyone, because everyone knows that there are people that you will not like or get along with. For me though, I hate the tension and it really digs deep into me if I know someone doesn't like me. However, I am learning to get over that because not everyone is going to like everyone else. When it comes to people who have done me wrong though, yes it hurts at first (maybe more than it should.) but if they express interest in resolving things or wanting to become friends again (given there is a good period of time), I can't help but always give the benefit of the doubt. It gets me in trouble sometimes... more than you would expect, but I guess I just believe that everyone deserves compassion, mercy, grace and it's not displayed as often as it should be. Of course, there are those people whom you can forgive but don't have to continue on with that relationship, and I have done that a few times. For the most part though, I don't know what it is but I take people back. I guess I just want them to feel accepted and loved for who they are since I always feel the opposite towards me.

I don't know if I will ever learn to love how I was made (this was only a brief overview of my complex inner being anyways)... It's funny because I love others and accept them yet I am incredibly over critical of myself.

Maybe people don't want to hang out with me because sometimes it seems like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. Maybe I am too open, too revealing. Maybe I come across as a really depressing person when okay yeah, I can be depressing but I also know how to have fun and laugh and be silly. I just can't stand being that way all the time. It's just not me. Not how I function. I can't hide my emotions or tuck them away. I figure if they're right there on my sleeve, maybe someone will be able to relate. There are too many people in the world who feel alone and like they are the only ones feeling certain things; maybe if I came along and showed them my heart then they would feel, even for a moment, that they weren't alone. I guess maybe that's why I do it... to not feel alone. To not feel like I am the odd one out and that it's me that's the one left on the outside.

Despite this being the heavy burden it is sometimes, I am attempting to be thankful. Because God is an amazingly crazy mastermind for how He created the mind, heart, and soul.

"There are seasons where we need to remind our body where our true life lies. Whether our appetite is for food, entertainment, or even other people, the wilderness experience reminds us that we were created for more than just consumption."

I always have this craving, and it's not for God... well that's not completely true. I do crave Him quite frequently. But that is not what I am talking about in regards to the quote above. What I am talking about is my craving for someone. I have no clue who they are. I crave my future partner in life, my life long best friend, someone to grow in Christ with. It's something that I have always wanted and craved. Marriage for me, I look at it as something amazing. It is something that God created to display the way Jesus loves the church (His people). But don't take me as someone with rose-colored glasses on when I dream of marriage. Trust me, I know marriage is hard work. Sometimes it has more downs than ups.

...Despite this craving for companionship, I am yet again reminded by God that I was created for more than just consumption of these mere life induced things.

Ever since God set upon my heart to end a 2 year relationship (that was almost to engagement), I have realized just how much He needs me to pay attention to Him. It broke my heart to leave what I had and who I had... and it has taken me literally months and months to let it all go. And I might even still admit to myself that I haven't let it all go. I am not sure if I ever will. That person meant so much to me... however, they meant too much which meant that when they failed as that important source of happiness in my life, it brought devastation and disappointment upon me. That is not healthy and not correct, huh? It wasn't how it should be and God showed me that and He is proceeding to show me that.

For the most part, it's pretty much just God and I right now, and let me tell you that He is constantly having to patiently wait for me to look back at Him and keep looking upon Him. It is incredibly difficult to keep my mind, heart, soul, and eyes on Him though. For so long I was set in the mindset of marriage and now I am having to DRAG myself away from that image. I can't help looking and wondering, "Will I meet him today God? Is that him right there? He seems really great Lord, maybe that's him?" I cannot get myself to veer from those thoughts... but I know it's necessary. It's the whole reason why God isn't allowing me to get close to anyone... or for matter of fact, no is getting close to me. Maybe it's just me but I can usually tell when someone wants to spend time with me or is interested in me, but lately it's been so silent. I know it's God. He is telling me, "Stop craving, stop worrying. I have it all taken care of. All you need to do is fall in love with Me first and have it stay that way. No one can complete you like I can."

Maybe it's the hopeless romantic in me that wants someone, or maybe it's just nice to feel wanted. Who knows. All I know is that I need to stop saying "should" and I need to just surrender those thoughts when ever I think them or feel them. God has my life...

....this is all easier said than done.