"Cry out to God to soften your heart, for you have been deadened in your heart, and any dullness toward sin also creates dullness toward joy. It is when we are able to face the pain of our sin that we can receive the joy of God's healing. This renews a heart to return to God."
If there is one thing my heart has been, it's stagnent. I haven't felt full of love, joy or life recently... There are few days where I can wake up and not be dreading what is to come in the day. The worst days are when I am so depressed and my heart feels so heavy, that I want to just say "screw it" to the day, climb back in bed with the covers pulled over my head, and. just. cry. Feeling this way is not new to me, I am actually used to it. This feeling of brokeness and pain is actually quite frequent. Feeling joyful is actually uncomfortable to me, believe it or not. Maybe it's because I am so used to something going wrong, of failing, of making a fool of myself, for not being good enough, etc etc the list goes on and on.
When will I get it right? When will I just get over myself and self pity, and just LIVE. Live for God and His constant flow of joy? It is incredibly hard for me to wrap my head around that when all I want to do is be in a dark secluded room in a corner by myself, and just wail. I have no one to blame but myself. Every day I ask God, when will the day come when someone will love me enough or be interested in me enough to want to be with me and love me forever? I know He is sitting right next to me saying, "I love you. When will you love Me?". The thing is that I KNOW this but whether I FEEL it or not is a different story. Knowledge is one thing, feeling is another. I know nothing will happen in my life until I give it all up to Him, until marriage isn't so high in my dreams anymore, until I get over myself and do what I say I am going to do, when I stop believing that I can't do anything right and start believing that I CAN.
You see, too many people who have gotten their hearts crushed, whether it was once or many times over, always feel like they are alone, like they are the only ones with that extreme amount of hurt. We carry these burdens, and cover up our hearts from the world, we put up our guards and are firm in the belief that we will never be the same and that EVERYONE will hurt us. Well, some of it is true... we will never be the same. But the rest is just the weight that we carry afterwards. The amount of guilt, shame, and failure that LOOMS over our hearts preventing us from sharing...especially with the One who wants to heal us completely. The only One who can. We become people we are not, and convince ourselves that this is just how it always will be. Our hopes, dreams, and desires get tossed out the window along with our faith and courage. The fear and pain then come forth and we welcome it with open arms, allowing it to settle into our broken hearts. I can tell you this now, I know these feelings all TOO well and I go through them almost everyday. But if I have learned one thing, it is this. You have a choice: feed your fear or feed your faith.
I am constantly shoveling fear into my crumpled heart. Until I buck up, put my big girl pants on, and say "NO MORE!", I will stay in this state forever. I may be 21 years old and only have that many years of life, but my heart and emotions feel like they are 75. I am tired, broken, guilt ridden, heavy, depressed, and I have allowed darkness to cover my heart. I feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, and let me tell you, I am terrible at hiding it. It's impossible.
If you are still reading this post, thank you. I know it hasn't been easy listening to me rant a little. I guess if anything, I just want to say that all of you out there with your hearts that feel like mine, broken and blocked, you're not alone. Get out there. Find people to encourage you, to help you feed your faith and not your fear, who BELIEVE in you and the person God created you to be. All in all, I guess that's what I want... and it's not up to anyone else but me to go seek it out. To seek God out fully and to allow Him to heal. It's time. I am done. It is time for me to stop complaining and start giving selflessly. To stop being stagnent and to start growing. God is my God and He is yours. Never let anyone, or anything tell you otherwise... even if it's yourself. If no one believes in you, I do and God does. Remember that and march on my friends. Keep marchin' on. Do not just run in your life and do not just pray, but pray and run diligently and consistantly. Remember that He has you in the palm of His Hand and loves you more than you could EVER imagine. Let the genuine goal of your life be Him telling you "Good job, my loving and faithful servant."
Just know that who ever you are, who ever is reading this... there is someone who loves you and believes you. It just might be me, and I know it is God.
