Letting Go of Past Afflictions

Sometimes you're vulnerable and you don't even realize it. 

Sometimes you are annoyed and you're not sure why.

Sometimes you start to cry with no reason in sight.

That was me today. 

I am not sure what caused my day to tumble forward into an hour and a half cry with Carl but it ended there. It started with me walking in the door after Youth Group tonight and immediately finding things that annoyed me. After silence, slow conversation and stubbornness from me, he got me to open up. I knew all the reasons as to why I was annoyed were stupid and he knew it too but still wanted to listen. And as he genuinely listened, the conversation started to change from what I found wrong with him to what was truly going on inside of me. He asked me to list out, in order, of what brought me to this point today. I listed. After I listed, I stared at the floor, eyes blurring and a whimpering frown plastered on my face. Then the floodgates opened and it was all over. All I could say was "What is wrong with me?" Carl proceeded to tell me that nothing was wrong with me, I was just overwhelmed and had a lot on my plate. He got me tissues, wiped my tears, let me cry and listened empathetically. The crying continued for a while...full of worries about people liking me (or disliking me), not having a paid part time job yet,   being old news, struggling with friendships...

Then I stopped for a little bit and we talked about how people are given different gifts for a reason and that God always has a purpose for us. 

Then I started crying weeping about something that I haven't taken the time to recover from fully: me giving up music. I asked Carl why I was such a failure and why I gave it up. He couldn't answer that for me, which I understood. Some of you may not know my story about my music path.

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 Long story short, I was in the top two choirs all four years of high school, went to several competitions and elite singing programs, received a scholarship for vocal performance in college, was well known in my department and then gave it all up. I failed music theory my first term of college, got a C in piano, couldn't handle the competition and most of all... I lost my confidence in who I was as a singer. I hated what I was doing because it was draining my passion for music and making it into something that I nitpicked at everyday until I told myself that I was never going to be good enough. So I quit, gave up my scholarship, disappointed both of my vocal coaches and wanted to never step foot in the music building again. I had to ride past it everyday on my bike for the next two years... At first I would get choked up every time I had to ride past it (for a while I took a different route to avoid it). At times you could hear someone singing classical music or playing an instrument from the highest windows of the building, that pushed me further into my deep hole. Eventually, I got diagnosed with clinical depression which I firmly believe was partially induced from quitting. 

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I don't think I had cried about quitting my passion since I was in counseling... I eventually let myself sing for my college youth group in Corvallis but it took a while for me to want to be up there on stage and even when I did, I was still constantly critiquing myself to the point where if I had messed up, I would dig my nails into my hands while making a fist so that I wouldn't mess up again. At times, I was so obsessed with getting the harmony right, that I would focus on that instead of letting go and praising God for all He is and what He has done for me. 

Carl thinks that he isn't very good at "helping people like I can", but tonight he truly helped me just by asking questions and genuinely listening. He reminded me that God gave me this gift and created me (sensitive personality and all) just the way I was supposed to be. He reminded me that even though there are people more talented than the both of us, that we are unique and have meaning because of God and who He is in us. 

It's funny how sometimes we don't exactly understand or listen when God is speaking to us. Tonight at Youth Group, Matt spoke to the high schoolers about this song called The 6th Day by a Christian rapper named Flame. It was all about how God made us in His image and how He delights in His creation. Part of the chorus is: 

"We were made to know You, meant to behold You//Praise Your holy name//It's the reason we were made//What a good day."

Matt taught about how God loves us exactly how we are and that He wouldn't want to change us because He made us with a purpose. Matt also posed this question: What does it mean to us to be made in His likeness and how can we live like that?

{Gumby and Mr. Snail Rose (the rose is hidden by Gumby)}

We also made "creations" out of PlayDoh at the beginning. After we were done sharing ours and what it meant (mine was Gumby and a snail with a rose bud on its shell...I have no clue why I made those), Matt said we could do whatever we wanted with our creation. I let it sit there for a while, I was proud of my creations and eventually I took a picture. I didn't exactly want to smash it back into a ball of dough but I wanted something to do with my hands so back into a ball it went. Later Matt asked if any of us had kept our creations, no one had expect him. He explained why he kept his creation whole, because he was proud of it and then continued to talk about how that is what God thinks when He sees us.

It's just funny how I sat there and agreed with everything Matt said and helped the kids understand what he was trying to convey yet not even an hour later, I am sobbing over my purpose, failures, and insecurities. 

God is truth and promise. He knows and understands. This is just one of the incredible and immense  truths that He constantly displays:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity..."

- Jeremiah 29:11-14 {NIV}

I may have insecurities, I may not be fully recovered from giving up the path of music four years ago but God is continually teaching and humbling me. I am so far from perfect and I praise Jesus for what He did so that God can love me in the midst of my imperfectness.